Providing the Light

Extreme fatigue, sudden chills, and the absence of hunger, those were the only symptoms I displayed as doctor after diagnosed me as being “burnt out” and fabricating illness during the final stretch of fourth grade. As the summer commenced and my symptoms did not abate, I was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia at the age of eight. 0.35% of children are diagnosed with cancer, of which 16.60% do not survive. I label myself as lucky, as I contribute to the 83.40% who survived, and although my journey has been onerous, the lessons I have learned are invaluable. This reflection is not to let cancer define me, but to appreciate the journey of learning how to make the best out of life’s precarious situations.

Fighting cancer consumed 5 years of my life and was the most arduous experience I have ever endured. The basis of my treatment revolved around chemotherapy, which saved my life but also came with the dire consequence of consuming my will to live. With potent chemicals coursing through my veins and constant exposure to radiation, my body was destroyed and my mind was shot. I was constantly in excruciating pain and a state of nausea, my energy was stolen from me and would not replenish, and my body was being forced to fight itself. The physical drain was coupled with an inability to focus and attend class, which resulted in me falling behind in school. My social life suffered as well, as I could not keep up with friends and was embarrassed by my loss of hair, and rapid weight gain. I quickly became a shell of my normal self and my quality of life deteriorated. I wish I could say these issues were resolved when my chemotherapy treatment concluded, but the side effects caused by pumping a pubescent body full of chemicals commenced almost immediately. I was diagnosed with abdominal migraines, POTS, and SIBO, which resulted in constant migraines, a shutdown of my abdominal nervous system, the inability to keep food down, and a vacancy of energy.

Throughout the chemotherapy and treatment for the subsequent side effects, I longed to give up. I was understandably in a dark place, but what kept me afloat was my family’s unwavering support and their constant promise that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. At their recommendation, I was able to leverage my experience and continued perseverance in the face of adversity by creating a non-profit aided children during the post cancer transition. When people think of cancer, they associate most of the suffering with physical pain. This non-profit focused on the re-socialization of childhood cancer patients back into normal society post treatment. My unique perspective allowed me to shape a program that first focused on celebrating their past achievement, and second, prepared them for the reality of once again becoming a number in the public-school system. This commitment suddenly gave my battle a sense of purpose. I was no longer fighting for myself, but for these children. I quickly realized that this replenishment of life and joy was spurred by my active commitment to making the best of my situation.

“Things will get better,””better days are ahead,” and “there is a light at the end of the tunnel.”, these cliches were spoken to me again and again throughout my treatment. Every time I heard these, I became angrier, as I knew no one even remotely knew what I was going through. Little did I know that these “cliches” were not spoken to mean things would get better by themselves. On the contrary, I came to realize that these occur when I force things to be better, when I provide the light in the tunnel, when I make the days better. Life is what I make it and the tunnel never ends, it is up to me to provide the light.

~~Michael Mistry

2 Comments

  • Christine says:

    Being the light in the tunnel,

    Because I Never Gave Up on Me

    Walking down the hall without that horrid IV
    No words can do justice to how I feel so free
    I one so small have conquered that roaring “C”
    And showed you all I can, because I never gave up on me.

    Not many believed, they lose faith fast
    Not even I dreamt how long I’d last
    They said it had ended when the stone was cast
    But I showed you all I could, because I never gave up on me.

    Oh how the pain burned
    Slow like seasons turned
    And to give up I yearned
    But I showed you strength, because I never gave up on me.

    With silent tears I struggled on
    My only hope she now was gone
    From above her light shone
    I showed her I was grateful, because I never gave up on me.

    Lying in bed
    Listening to sounds I dread
    Screams of a child and loved ones who cry
    There are too many miles to go why can’t I just die.

    My skin is sore
    From the needles I bore
    The drugs I take
    They make me ache
    I’m tired of fighting let’s end this bid,
    Oh why can’t I just be a normal kid?

    I’d show myself and I’d show you all
    That I made it through with my back against the wall
    Because I never gave up on me.

    In size and in strength may you never judge me
    I won that battle because I had faith in me
    There is so much more that you can’t see
    And I showed you all, because I never gave up on me.

    Walking down the hall without that horrid IV
    No words can do justice to how I feel so free,
    I one so small have conquered that roaring “C”
    And showed you all I can, because I never gave up on me.

    Read more stories at https://childhood-cancer-survivor.com/

  • Christine says:

    I’m a childhood cancer survivor and I also longed to give up many times until, after many years, I let my faith help me out.

    I Once Was Lost

    Here I am drowning in the sea
    A sea of everything I don’t want to be
    A sea of all my failures and mistakes
    A sea of my tears and splitting headaches.

    Waves of sorrow wash over my face
    I go under with a silent grace
    I fall down deeper in my depression
    Deeper and deeper into my obsession.

    I’m overwhelmed with all my faults
    My skin is burning from the salts
    Salts of what I could have been
    If only I could have seen
    What the future has in store
    How soon I would reach the shore.

    Now my storm dried up in the sun
    Maybe I am a lucky one.

    Now I’m walking on water because I have Faith
    This tortuous dungeon I have escaped
    I hold His hand as He walks me to land
    I bend down and kiss the merciful sand.

    So happy to have found happiness again
    Now the sun overpowers the rain
    Amazing grace how sweet the sound
    I once was lost but now am found.

    Read more of my stories at https://childhood-cancer-survivor.com/

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