Born into a world so confusing
Trying to look at life like it’s amusing.
Being biracial is not all that it seems to be
A cookie cutter home didn’t work for me.
From my white grandma attempting to do my hair using hairspray and water
Black grandma sending me to the braid shop to get my cornrows and beads so I could look like her daughter.
Both loved me
Neither really understood me.
Growing up in a predominately black school
Told that my mother would be a slave owner back in the day made me want to duel.
Being called “boo boo” face as my freckles began to grow
Knowing that I had to keep all my emotions in so I didn’t blow.
Growing up in the city where you hear gunshots every night
Hiding behind a tree terrified of the loud thumping car driving slowly past every street light.
Being able to go across the street at the basketball court while my mother watched me with her window open for fear of me being alone
As my friend showed me her cool tricks of calling the police on her flip phone.
That same friend was so independent
Her spirit was transcendent.
In charge of her three younger sisters at the age of nine
When the terror of a stranger crossed the line.
Only being able to be that adventurous kid when my big brother wasn’t aloof
As he stacked cinder blocks against the recreational center across the street to get on the roof.
Going to the kudzu to climb trees with my brother and finding the lounge spot he created
Running around abandoned houses with our neighborhood friends with whom we related.
My brother and I, with the five year age gap, arguing all the time
But having a closeness that would help us climb.
A relationship that I will cherish forever
The bond we have will never be severed.
My mother chasing us with anything she could reach to whoop us
While we tried not to laugh and made it worth all the fuss.
To her leaving him to babysit me, while he showed me that brotherly tough love
As he put blankets and pillows over my head until I gave him a hard shove.
Visiting and spending time with my family in Buffalo, New York
Quality time that I cherish and can and sometimes feel too short.
Listening to my Great Grandma Ruby, boss us around
Telling life stories as a black woman while living in town.
Spending time with my white Grandma Dolores
Sometimes up and down the shore.
Listening to unintentional racist things
I learned to ignore her comments and see what life brings.
Being so confused on how to fit in in this world
I know I’m supposed to be swirled.
But I’m always too black to be white, too white to be black
In a world where everyone is always on attack.
Growing up with both parents in the house
While living in this little perfect world, like a caged mouse.
I would twirl and twirl
Being a daddy’s little girl.
Eating popcorn, watching tv until I fell asleep
He would let me lay next to him without saying a peep.
I would wake the next morning, tucked in my bed
Wondering how I got there, but nothing to be said.
As time went by, I started to see things that my parents tried to hide
While knowing I must stay quiet and always abide.
From my parents’ fights getting so bad
Living out of the car, going house to house trying not to be sad.
Finally coming home to an empty house feeling confused
Astonished there was nothing but the rooms filled with echoes and a heart that was bruised.
Thinking about the life that everyone wanted with both parents living supposedly happy
Was torn from me while I tried not to be sappy.
To him vanishing and never hearing from him again
Knowing that I would heal from the life as I knew it, but when?
Learning to accept that he will never come back was the hardest as a young child
But then another loss would make that pain seem mild.
My God momma passed away tragically
I felt a sense of nothing and wanted to poof away magically.
How could I lose two of the most important people in my life at the same time?
With no warning and not one sign.
Why me God? I questioned. What did I do to deserve this treatment?
Greiving and trying to deal with bereavement.
Trying my hardest to push those feelings down and leave them there
Knowing there was a reason that I would later have to share.
Still to this day trying to accept that I am put through everything for a reason
This is God’s way of helping me get through this season.
A season of life without understanding
But conquering through and here I am still standing.
