Survivorship is a word that elicits many emotions for me. after being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma when I was 16 years old, I was confident I would beat this monster and not let it define who I am as an individual. Taking the reins, I charged into battle, never for one second allowing myself to think I wouldn’t come out victorious. I rang the bell after 6 months of intense treatment and a plethora of surgeries and hospitalizations. I did it! I survived! Now what?
Survivorship is such a strong word. When I think about someone being a survivor, I think about them walking away from a traumatic event, unscathed. Sure, they are shaken up, but eventually they move on. While I finished treatment, my body fought against me. I was trapped in an endless cycle of my mind telling me just to get up and move, but my body defying these orders. The never-ending fatigue, the memory loss known as “chemo brain”, the physical pain that blankets me on a daily basis are all stark reminders that I have survived one of the toughest battles, yet must continue to fight to find my new normal. Despite these continuous reminders of harsh treatments I’ve endured, I have remained an active member of my high school cheer team, so I continue to rally others.
One year after ringing that glorious bell, I relapsed. But, I was supposed to be a survivor. How did I come to find myself facing this beast again? Though I was now undergoing relapse treatment, I went on to graduate high school with honors. Feeling on top of the world, I was confident as I headed into my stem cell transplant. With the end goal of survivorship at the forefront of my mind, I enrolled in college full time, and even made the college cheer team! My oncology team recommended that I postpone school until after transplant, but I knew that would never be an option for me.
Cancer had already stolen so much from me – I was not going to let it prevent me from achieving my dreams. Though transplant was incredibly challenging, I survived, just as I always have, and ended my first semester as a college freshman with straight A’s. During this short time since my diagnosis, my little brother was diagnosed with Astrocytoma brain cancer, and my mom was continuing her fight against Melanoma and Thyroid cancer. We linked arms tightly together, knowing we were not only bonded by blood, but by cancer as well.
I choose to define survivorship as someone who has been given a crummy deck of cards, but refuses to fold. Being a survivor isn’t about coming out of a trauma unscathed. It’s about taking the reins and hanging on for dear life. It’s about accepting that we cannot control what is thrown onto our path, but we can control how we choose to face it. It’s about continuing to set goals and achieve them, regardless of what cards you are dealt. I am a survivor.
~ Baylie Hankins
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I like your definition – someone who has been given a crummy deck of cards, but refuses to fold. Being a survivor isn’t about coming out of a trauma unscathed. It’s about taking the reins and hanging on for dear life.
I have a story about this;
A Life Fighting Cancer Through a Child’s Eyes
Chapter 12 So Now I Lay Me Down to Cry
It’s cold in January especially with winter’s snow and wind chill factors. But the coldest day was that Wednesday I went to the hospital to find once again my brain tumor had grown and it was here to stay this time. There was nothing the doctors could do.
Not even seventeen yet and I was already being told death was waiting at my door step. I was scared, I was sad, I was angry, I hated life ever since I found out I had this violent predator inside my head. One of only two known people in the entire country known to possess this violent growing beast, and he was attacking the spot of freedom. The right motor strip, which is what gave me the pleasure of walking, talking, eating, the feel/touch and my strength on the entire left side.
I was sixteen years old and sleeping at home in a hospital bed. I couldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom, I couldn’t walk or balance. I lost what made me different; my independence.
I was alive for the moment, but my daemon was “creeping” inside my brain, getting ready to take over my body entirely.
I would lay in my bed for hours, not wanting to sleep but not having the energy to be awake. At night I would pray, I would bargain with myself and God. “I am not ready” I would say. “This is not what I wanted out of life. What about getting married and having children of my own. What about university, and having that pride and happiness of knowing I did it because I never gave up on myself”.
“I refuse to die, I don’t care”, I would torment myself at night, “no no I’m not going! I won’t give up”.
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I Will Not Die
A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill
I used to think the world was fair and that life works itself out
But now I’m confused and my heart’s filled with doubt,
The threads of this dream are starting to unwind
I’ve come to learn the world is unjust and fate is unkind.
I always thought you were real but my perception was blind
You’re blurring my vision and playing with my mind,
Slowly like the sands of time you’re ripping away at my soul
You’ve taken all I have, all that makes me whole,
Driving myself crazy trying to fill that empty void
But I can’t pull it together, my confidence you’ve destroyed.
You’ve taken my happiness and replaced it with hate
So much hatred and anger I just can’t take.
You’ve poisoned me enough, I’ll break down and cry
But never will I give up, no I will not die.
You will not take me down, you will not conquer me tonight
I will not lie down in my grave I’ll stand up and fight,
I maybe bleeding but take off that smile if you think you’ve won
A knife through my heart is nothing, the battle’s just begun.
There is warrior inside me that you failed to see
A strength you missed while you were judging me
She will not give up as easy as you think
I’m drowning in depression but she will not sink.
Through all the pain and criticism she will stand tall
When pushed passed the limit she will not fall,
I will take whatever you give to me
And with God by my side I will be free.
I won’t bow down to you and just take the abuse
You can’t break my faith, don’t try there’s no use.
So you can turn that smile into a frown
Because this is one girl that just won’t go down.
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So Now I Lay Me Down to Cry
A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill
https://childhood-cancer-survivor.com/content/so-now-i-lay-me-down-cry
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You can read more cancer stories at https://childhood-cancer-survivor.com/