Common side effects of cancer are people staring, people’s projection of pity, their awkward questions of your survival rate, and little kids asking why you don’t have any hair. While it is always stressed how important first impressions are, when you have cancer and walk into a room it never matters what clothes you are wearing or how good your makeup looks, the first thing people notice is your shiny bald head and face featuring no eyebrows.
Before having my head shaved I didn’t really care what people thought of me just like most teenagers. Cancer put this mindset to the ultimate test. Upon shaving my head, I never hid under a wig. I displayed my bald head to the world. I could see the stares; however, I steadfastly clung to the thought I didn’t care what people thought. I forced myself to believe it.
While it usually didn’t hurt to see adults look at me, it definitely stung when I walked down the halls of my high school. My peers would stop talking while I walked by as if I was a pariah. I knew no one thought of me as pretty. No one would ask me out for a date because everyone knew I might not be around long. My time might be limited. Sometimes at my lowest emotional moment, as I felt my self-esteem deflated my path would cross with a stranger who would blow it back up. These people I like to call my hidden angels.
These angels seemed to know just when to say “you’re beautiful.” Others went as far as paying for my meals at restaurants. My angels never revealed themselves. My angels gave me flowers in the middle of the grocery store. One angel I will never forget came up to me and my family in McDonalds with a newspaper folded in his hand. He had it turned to an advertisement displaying a vase of flowers. He looked at me and said, “These are for you. I can tell you’ve had a hard time recently.” I turned to my dad to show him and when I looked back to thank the man, he was gone. He had vanished.
Angels don’t stick around to ask the painfully old questions like “what are your chances?” or “how long have you been in treatment?” My angels are special because they know just what to do and when they are needed. My angels embraced me in their wings and made me feel whole. They took away my pain. They made me feel beautiful and special. Each angel’s kindness reminded me there were plenty of beautiful people in the world. Once you have felt the loving kiss of your angel, you cannot receive such a treasure without wanting to pass it along.
Now, I have made it out of the dark tunnel a cancer diagnosis throws you down. I have been given a second chance at life and I want to be an angel. Each Christmas and Easter morning my dad and I bring cakes and cookies donated by Publix to my cancer unit. It is a small act, but angels don’t have to do big things. Thanks to my amazing doctors and nurses, I plan to spend many more years being the angel in other people’s lives. I am always on the lookout for the opportunity to hold a child’s hand with cancer and say “You are so beautiful.”
-Katielee Kaner